Category Archives: reflections, observations & musings

Go Ahead, Make My Day!

Posted on October 18, 2012 | 6 comments

If not mine, why not someone else’s?

Has anyone ever said something to you that immediately lifted your spirits?  Likely, so you’ll understand how I felt in the following situation.

Twice in as many months, complete strangers have come up to me and said “I love your hair colour!”

I am a 40-something woman and my hair is its natural colour – grey.

These women have gone on to tell me that they have been thinking of letting theirs go grey and after seeing mine, they are convinced that they want to go through with it. I am complimented beyond belief and when we part, I walk away feeling a little bit taller, somewhat proud, definitely happier, which in turn makes me more pleasant to the next people I meet.

I have had a few others strangers over the years say the same thing and it always comes at a time when I am seriously considering dyeing it. Their unprompted comments give me a boost and literally “make my day”.

The kindness of strangers has a particular power that the kindness of friends or family does not.

We are suspicious of compliments from the familiar people in our lives.

They’re only saying that because they feel they have to.

They don’t want to hurt my feelings.

They don’t really mean it.

However, if a completely unknown-to-us person, a random individual, goes out of their way to tell us something, then it must be true and no matter how many others have told us the same thing, we can finally believe it.

How frustrating for all the others! When you tell them that a complete stranger said such-and-such to you, their response is no doubt “I know! I’ve been telling you that for years!”

One day, my mid-teen son and I were in a local sandwich shop and we were served by a young man in his late teens/early twenties – an employee, not the owner. In fact, the owner wasn’t even on-site – I know because I frequented this particular shop. Also, I had never met this young man before.  We received enthusiastic, polite and pleasant service for the entire time that it took him to make our order and cash us out.

Barely outside the door, my son commented on what a nice guy he was and what great service he gave us.  We both remarked that you don’t often get that kind of service and I noted that he should keep that in mind when he begins working. He agreed that it definitely made a difference in our experience.

My son witnessed customer service at its best, we discussed its benefits and I hoped he filed it away for future use. I had done my job.  I could have left it at that – but I didn’t.

The next week when I went in to pick up a sandwich for lunch, the owner was there. I asked to speak to him. He stepped aside with a worried look on his face. This was an unusual request from me. What was I going to say? What was I going to complain about?  I started off by telling him that my son and I had been in and two young men were working the counter and he was not on-site.  The look of worry increased. Then I went on to sing the young man’s praises.  Worry was replaced with relief and then pride. I had made his day – and I hope, reciprocally, the young man’s.

We don’t hesitate to complain about bad service so why don’t we also praise great service? Who knows, the manager may be looking to advance an employee to another level, or it may be review time and your comment could end up meaning a salary increase to someone who desperately needs one.

We don’t realize the power of our words – a stranger’s unbiased, therefore they must have some truth to them, words.

So the next time you get great service, make sure the manager hears about it.  And when you see a stranger in the check-out line, on the bus, or in an elevator and you think “What a beautiful coat”, “Nice shoes” or even “Great hair!”, tell them.

Go ahead. Make their day. 

Share your ‘make my day’ experiences below.


*This post was written before my resent Liebster Award nomination. Talk about making my day!!

.
Photo credit: http://photopin.com
flickr.com/photos/ejpphoto/4878517967/

 

6 Comments

Posted in Awards, reflections, observations & musings

Tagged , , , , , , , , , , ,

A Major Award!

Posted on October 16, 2012 | 7 comments

That’s the way I feel about it anyway!

I signed on to my computer Sunday morning and the first message I opened was from a lovely young woman with a spirit that exceeds her physical being. I met her in cyber-space only a short time ago. She is on a journey toward positivity and she is well on her way achieving her goal.

We have exchanged comments, exchanged ‘likes’ and she has graced me with the honour of following my blog. As a new blogger, this is something very special. I don’t know how she found me but I am glad we have met.

I eagerly opened her message to see which of my posts she liked and what her comment would be. I value her feedback – always positive and encouraging.

To my surprise, shock and sheer delight, the message read: “Just nominated you for an award peach!”.  Really? Me? Wow! How nice! …what’s an award peach??

I followed her instructions to check out her post for more details. It turned out that she had been nominated for a Liebster Award and part of her requirements were that she nominate eleven other bloggers whose followings are under 200 and to whom she is to then pose eleven questions.

I was thrilled to be one her chosen group. I have only been blogging for six weeks so for her to think that I am worthy of such a nomination is humbling. And upon further investigation, I realized that she wasn’t nominating me for a peach award but instead for a Liebster Award too!

A Liebster (German for ‘dearest’ or ‘favourite’) Award is a blogger-to-blogger award. A chain letter of sorts. One blogger receives the award and then nominates their favourite bloggers. There is no actual winner among the nominees, which was what I had first assumed but rather the ‘being nominated’ was equivalent to receiving the award.  She had chosen my blog as one of her favourites!

A search for the rules that accompany the award have turned up various findings. It seems the blogs must have less than 200 followers (although some posts say 3,000). Some rules say you should nominate eleven other blogs and some claim only five.  Some say that you need to provide eleven details previously unknown about yourself then answer eleven questions posed by the nominator, while others say five details and five questions and some say no such thing.  Since there seem to be no hard-and-fast rules, I will do a combination.

I will answer the eleven thought-provoking questions posed to me.

I choose not to give out random facts about myself. Instead I choose to retain some privacy since the answers to these questions and my postings will likely reveal more about me that I realize anyway.

I will nominate four of the blogs that I am currently following. I would nominate all seven but three already exceed the ‘number of followers’ stipulations. (Some of these four may too but I couldn’t see their numbers so I’m nominating them anyway). Again, as a newcomer to this venue, I have not explored its depths. I follow and select those whose messages I feel support my philosophy and I am sure with time, my list will grow.  To my four nominees, I will pose seven questions – because that’s all I can think of.

So, to my new friend, a special and heart-felt thank you for your nomination and thoughtfulness.  Here are the answers to your questions:

If you could go one place right now, where would you go?

That’s easy and hard at the same time. The easy answer is Europe – anywhere in Europe. The hard part is, where specifically in Europe? Sometimes I imagine going to the airport with my passport, a small suitcase packed with clothes that I can layer depending on the weather and a credit card (with money in the bank to cover the charges). I would then walk up to the international departures board and buy a ticket for next European destination – my starting point from where I will branch out and explore. 

What is your favourite thing to do to relax?

Watch romantic comedies with a bowl of popcorn or potato chips.

What is your favourite flower?

Hmmm…tricky. There are so many to choose from. I love purple flowers. In the spring, it’s lilacs but then again seeing the tulips pop up seems rejuvenating.  In summer, phlox is lovely. In the autumn, I’m drawn to airy asters and deep dark purple mums.  To purchase a bouquet, I tend toward alstroemeria but gerbera daisy are quite attractive too. 

What do you most like to do whilst with friends?

That’s easy; meet for tea and a bite to eat so we can catch-up and chat about the events in our lives. I treasure those times.

When listening to music, which track do you have on repeat right now?

I don’t often sit and listen to music and having music on while I’m working can be a distraction for me especially if it is music with lyrics. Having said that though, if I choose to listen to music while I’m working, I sign on to www.sky.fm and listen to the Smooth Jazz feed. I find it uplifting; it has a beat that keeps me motivated and it is instrumental. On the occasion that I put on a CD while I’m doing something, I often reach for Jamie Cullum, Michael Bublé, John Mayer or Diana Krall.   

What does writing do for you?

Writing is a creative outlet for me. I am finding that writing this blog has helped me develop my voice. I am taking the time to explore ideas that I have been noodling with for quite a while. It is giving me confidence in my abilities as a writer. 

How does blogging help you?

I have partially answered this with the previous question so I’ll expand here. My hope when starting my blog was that I could provide a place where people could go and be assured of reading something positive – a contrast to much of the media that swarms around us on a daily basis. A place that would encourage self-reflection and perhaps spark changes for the betterment of our world. Grand goals, especially not knowing how this blogging stuff all worked. 

I am fairly new to blogging and I have been surprised at how excited I am about the process. Getting responses and follows from people who I have never met is uplifting. I am encouraged when I look at my stats page and see from where in the world people are linking in with me. I find that fascinating. It is giving me hope that there are others out there who, like me, believe that we need to be projecting positivity.  

Writing about positivity and having people like what I write is actually making me even more positive so you can imagine how I felt to be added to this list of nominees!

If you could be an animal, what would you be?

Very interesting question.  The first thing that came to mind was a monkey, then a dog but I think (and I’ve never really thought about this question before and may come up with a better answer later) I would like to be a dolphin. They are intelligent creatures, fun, playful, and seemingly free and I could spend my days swimming and traveling long distances. One of my bucket list items is to swim with dolphins.  

What was the first thing you did when you got up this morning?

After the routine hygiene stuff, I went downstairs, popped in a dvd and followed Rodney Yee as he guided me through a yoga routine. I’m half-way through my 30-day challenge, and loving it!

George Clooney, Gerard Butler or Johnny Depp?

Haha! Wow, you really ask some tough questions… Hmmm, George Clooney, Gerard Butler, George Clooney, Gerard Butler…I would have to say Gerard Butler solely based on his character in P.S. I Love You. I don’t know if he is anything like that in real life but I’ll take the movie character version. 

 Thank you again for nominating me. This has been a lot of fun. Love and Happiness to you!

And now for my four nominees:

For the Liebster Award, I nominate the following inspiring bloggers:

http://iheartchange.wordpress.com/
http://noveldestinations.wordpress.com/
http://everywhereonce.com/
http://itsbeautifulhere.com/

To my nominees, here are the seven questions that I would like you to answer:

1. To where have you traveled that you would like to return?
2. Where or when are you the most happy?
3. What is your favourite quote?
4. What advice would you give yourself if you could go back ten years?
5. Who inspires you?
6. What is your favourite indulgence?
7. Name one thing that you learned last week.

Please take the time to visit the other bloggers and websites that I am following. I think you will agree, they are all Positively inspiring!

 Photo credits: http://photopin.com
leg lamp: flickr.com/photos/brianjmatis/6586603047/
Liebster logo: flickr.com/photos/backdoorsurvival/6843770565/

7 Comments

Posted in 30-day challenge, Awards, reflections, observations & musings

Tagged , , , , , , , , , , ,

Is Striving For Perfection Good or Bad?

Posted on October 11, 2012 | 2 comments

We are taught in school that getting a perfect mark on a test means that you are the best. So we read and study and rewrite our notes, make practice tests and study some more in the hope that we will achieve 100%. The Oscars of 5th grade. Any grade. Every grade.

In sports, scores count. Even in games with young kids where coaches are not keeping score, the kids are. There is only one winner. Even if you get second place out of hundreds of participants, it isn’t first.

The Primo. Numero Uno.

No-one remembers the person who broke the Olympic record – a feat to be celebrated and shouted from roof-tops – if the guy point-gazillion seconds in front of him just broke the World Record; he gets all the glory. Sure, the other one gets a silver medal, and even third place is rewarded but there was only one ‘winner’.

So is striving for perfection good or bad?

If there is only going to be one winner, should we put so much emphasis on trying?  

As Shawn Achor said in the video from my October 5th’s blog post: Bright-Side of the Web: Shawn Achor, if we teach to the average, how do you inspire achievement beyond that?

And what is perfection? Who determines the benchmark?

In individual sports, where athletes are racing against time, the benchmark will be who can complete the task the fastest. But with measurements coming down to multiple-split seconds, what if the deemed winner took off a multiple-split second ahead of the deemed second-place person? That, to me, seems too close to call. When you are that close, both are winners. Regardless, in those types of sports, you do get those individuals who truly are the best in the world – until that record too is broken.

But let’s go back to the classroom. Shawn Achor’s comment has really made go hmmm….

Children learn in different ways – visual, kinesthetic, auditory – and most teachers incorporate each method into their lessons to varying degrees.  So why do most schools test the majority of children using only one method – written? And why is it timed?

Does knowledge have a time limit? 

Some students panic under the pressure of time. If students were given unlimited (or at least extended) time to write a test, at some point they will have answered all of the questions that they could, as best they could and realize they were finished. I understand that schedules may not permit unlimited time for all tests, but many students with special learning needs are accommodated with such requirements, so why not offer it to all? Wouldn’t that truly test the child’s knowledge, not just how well he/she can think under pressure?

But let’s get back to the question at hand and look at perfection from both sides, beginning with the good:

Striving for perfection gives us a goal for which to reach.
There is a purpose for our endeavours.
We want to learn all we can about something.
Learn from our mistakes.
Be a better person.
Get stronger, faster.
Have the self-satisfaction that we have done our best.
Reach our own personal pinnacle.

But the dark-side of perfection can breed:
Self-loathing – never good enough
Comparisons to people with gifts with which we were not bestowed
Self-sabotage – why bother trying
Excuses not to try or finish – a pillar to hide behind

Perfection can be outright dangerous for some. Young girls striving, starving, to look like air-brushed models, who in their minds are perfect which equates to a perception of how they need to look in order to be popular and accepted, but due to genetics, body shape, lack of photo tricks, and the need for food for sustenance and overall health and development, will never look (in fact, not even the models look that way).

So, my conclusion, the one that sits right for me, is that perfection can be good or bad.

The value of perfection is dependent on your state of mind and in what regard you hold the meaning of perfection.

If perfection is wrapped in negativity and you hold it as some mark, either self-imposed or not, that you will never reach so why even bother trying, then it is certainly bad and you need to step back and re-examine its importance, or non-importance.

Or if perfection means that you are putting your health in danger to achieve the unattainable, that’s disdain-able.

However, if you use perfection as a point of reference that you set for yourself – a goal – to strive for betterment in your life; the pinnacle to which each step forward is carefully planned, and you are satisfied with the progress and don’t mind if you ever reach the summit, then perfection seems like a positive thing, and I’m all for that.

So, what say you? Is striving for perfection good or bad?  

2 Comments

Posted in reflections, observations & musings

Tagged , , , , , , , ,

5 Things To Be Thankful For, Everyday

Posted on October 8, 2012 | 2 comments

In Canada, Thanksgiving is one of our national holidays, as it is in the United States, however, we celebrate it in October and they, in November.

Canadian Thanksgiving is in remembrance and celebration of the bountiful harvest that Canada’s First Nations Peoples shared with the European explorers who first discovered “the new world”.

I have always known the reason for the celebration but it was not until recent years, when people from other countries began to connect into my life, that I had put any thought into the fact that this is a North American holiday.  I mean, I always understood that the discovery of ‘the new world’ meant ‘North America’, but in my self-centered, only-think-about-what-affects-me youth, I hadn’t really thought about it.

A number of years ago, my parents’ friend from England visited with us over this holiday and she was quite excited to experience her first Thanksgiving. It was her visit that made me realize that this was something unique to Canadians (in October) and North Americans in general.

Two years ago we had an exchange student from France staying with us in October and it was to be his first experience with Thanksgiving as well.  These two occasions in particular really made me begin to wonder what it would be like to live somewhere else and not have this celebration; one which I have always taken for granted.

Autumn has always been my favourite time of year.  The weather is changing and the days are growing colder. The leaves on the trees are turning golden-yellow, crimson red and burnt orange and they crunch under your feet as they collect on the frost-kissed ground.

Thinking back, I remember Thanksgiving more for the feeling it produced than the actual day. You were settled into your school routine. The excitement of Halloween was just around the corner and every child was beginning to plan their costume.  But Thanksgiving meant a long weekend, a day off school, and a big family meal.

Another reason that I love the Fall is the food!  Autumn harvest means that all the root vegetables are available and local apples fill the markets.

Fresh local apples meant that our house would soon be filled with the smell of cinnamon and sugar mingling with the sweet aroma of baking apples; my mom would be making apple crisp – one of my favourite desserts, and one which we would only see at this time of year.  She also made the most delicious sweet potatoes imaginable sweetened with maple syrup.

If you are Canadian, the mere mention of maple syrup conjures up childhood memories of going to Sugar Shacks in the spring and watching the production of maple syrup – the tapping of the maple trees, the collecting and boiling of the clear sap in vast cauldrons reducing the sap down to a dark sticky syrup, then tasting the sweet creation on fresh pancakes.  There is nothing like it in the world. We are practically weaned on it. I cannot resist maple syrup in its many altered forms either – maple sugar, maple fudge and maple butter. Apparently this is an acquired taste since our French friend could barely swallow the fudge; the texture and sweetness overwhelming his taste buds.

I think the expression “sweet tooth” must have originated in Canada.

On Thanksgiving day, my mother would begin the feast preparations; the turkey, the sweet potatoes, the apple crisp; filling our house with a swirl of sweet and savoury aromas that had our mouths watering and us asking when dinner would be ready.

Finally the moment would arrive when we could take our places at the dining room table. Our family would join hands and each share what we were most thankful for – just kidding, that only happens in the movies – I think…  Anyway, even though our family did not do that, we were happy to be together and that we had a feast to enjoy.

Thanksgiving is not commercialized like other holidays. It does not revolve around gifts. It is simply about getting together with family and friends and making time for one another.

Thanksgiving reminds us to pause, and think, and appreciate the beautiful things in our lives… but you don’t need a national holiday for that.

So where-ever you are, stop and the smell the roses that are blooming in the garden of your life and appreciate the soil from which they have grown.

Happy (Canadian) Thanksgiving!

Here are 5 things that I am thankful for, everyday:

       My family – who are always there to support and guide me, through the laughter we share and near-daily communications

My friends – the exact same can be said about them as my family, for they are my family, sisters from another mother.

My home – and by this I mean all-encompassing – my house, my town, my country, our place in this world.

My extended family – my ‘son’ from France – he touched our lives and I will think of him always. – our British friend – she has always been special to my parents and has grown special to us all,  – and by extension, each of their families.

My health – so far, so good, and I hope to keep up the trend.

These may be the standard things that we are all, or at least I hope many of us, thankful for. And I am thankful for these everyday, not just on the second Monday in October.

What are you most thankful for?

 
Photo credits: gourds: http://photopin.com/
Autumn colours: Carolin Grandin

2 Comments

Posted in reflections, observations & musings

Tagged , , , , , , ,

How To be Grateful Even If You’re Not

Posted on October 4, 2012 | 6 comments

Those who learn to be grateful become multi-millionaires, give back to society, and live a happy and fulfilled life.  And you can too, or so we are told.

Gratitude gurus Tony Robbins, Deepak Chopra, and the woman of empowerment herself, Oprah Winfrey, plus a multitude of others have all touted the benefits that can befall you if you learn to be grateful.  (Ok, they don’t say that you will become a multi-millionaire, but they are, so that leads me to think it can happen…)

They emphasize practice of gratitude for where you’ve come from and where you are now.
Gratitude for the lessons learned along the way.
Gratitude for the cup of tea you are sipping.
Gratitude for the ant that crawls on the ground.
Gratitude for all things big and small in your life and in the world.

Sounds simple enough, right?

Then how come I can’t make it work??

I have started gratitude journals.
I have thought grateful thoughts.
I have meditated thankful chants.
I have squished my eyes tight and wished hard and still, no lottery wins, no dream job with a six figure income, no villa in Tuscany.

Yet I have still have faith in the lessons of these visionaries. 

I have recently discovered something called a Buddha Board. It is a small grey pad-like surface that comes with a paint brush. The idea is to paint, in words or pictures, your thought, your wish, your grateful item. Appreciate it as you paint it, live in the moment with it, sit in gratitude because in a few minutes your inscription will evaporate “leaving you with a clean slate and a clear mind”.

Taking advice from Oprah, I have begun my days in gratitude. Before even rising from my bed, I pause and in my refreshed state, reflect on my life and all that I am thankful for.  Then I pick up my brush, dip it in the small cup of water which is at the ready and scribe five things for which I am grateful (‘sleep’ is often one of them).

I sit in gratitude as I read my entries watching them fade as I do.  I imagine them rising off the board, taking to the air sending my goodwill and appreciation into the universe, ever patient for the universe to reciprocate and show me my direction.

I may not ever have the lottery win.
I may not ever have the villa.
But what I do have is the belief that the universe has plans for me and gratitude is a path leading me in the right direction.

I am ever watchful for the smallest signs – stop, go, detour.

And where-ever I end up in my many meanderings, I will have earned all the tickets required for each stop on the route.

Gracias Gratitude.

photo credit: http://photopin.com/

6 Comments

Posted in reflections, observations & musings

Tagged , , , , , , , ,

How To Determine Your Friends’ Worth

Posted on October 2, 2012 | 6 comments

Do you ever wish you were stranded
on a desert island?

No more worries.
No more cell phones.
No internet, Twitter or Facebook.
Some exotic local where no-one could find you – finally alone with your thoughts, swinging in a hammock, with all the time in the world to do just as you pleased.

We’ve all dreamed of that from time to time.

So why then, in the rarity of this occurrence, do these apparently lucky individuals always seem obsessed with getting off the island?

Is the MSG in take-out food that addictive?
Would they rather gather food at the grocery store than climb a tree to knock down coconuts or fashion a spear out of bamboo and sea shells?

Or do we, as humans,
crave companionship to the point
that we would give up all chance of total freedom
to regain it? 

You have no doubt heard about the orphans in over-crowded Romanian orphanages which lacked the staff to care for the infants other than change their diapers and prop bottles in their cribs.* These children showed growth and developmental delays and had a higher rate of infant deaths, all attributed to the lack of human physical touch.

Touch forges the bridge that allows us to thrive.  

For most of us, our parents are our bridges. It is through their loving touch as infants that we grow to trust and love others.

Our families are our springboards, enabling us the courage and confidence to seek connections beyond our inner circle. To develop relationships, through trial and error, that will enhance our chance of survival; those we call our friends.

I know that for me, my close friends provide support when I need a boost.
They provide a confidential place to go when I need to vent.
They accept me as I am, warts and all.

We share similarities, past histories, and gut-busting laughter.
We share triumphs and trials.

They each exhibit the qualities that I value in a person and reflect the virtues that I value in myself.

And although we touch base via email or texts, we connect when we sit across from one another at a coffee shop or when walking a trail or even sitting side-by-side in a movie theatre.

We give each other hugs whether we need them or not.

And I know that I could not survive without them. 

They are my cheering section; the ones that never let me fall too far.  After all…

No man is an island.
                                                    John Donne (1572-1631)

What are your friends worth to you?

*Luckily this scenario is changing and there are now clinics where volunteers cuddle and hold the babies and a foster care program has been instated.

30-Day Challenge – Day 2 

Ok, Day 1 complete and I wasn’t sure that I could even begin.

We had a beautiful weekend where I live and I took advantage of it by cleaning out a long-neglected garden – pulling, edging, trimming, digging, lifting, yanking, dragging – for about 16 hours in total. Sunday night I could barely lift my legs to climb the stairs but my bed was beckoning, so I managed, one slow step at a time.

Monday morning I awoke with sore glutes, hamstrings, shoulder blades and lower back. But did I let that stop me from starting my yoga challenge? NO! – almost, but no. I popped in my Rodney Yee dvd and for 25 minutes followed along looking like a marionette to his Gumby. My jerky awkward movements were laughable I’m sure but luckily I had no witnesses. I pushed through and surprised myself. I completed it all to the best of my stiff abilities.  

I will update you on my progress periodically and hope you do the same. I have a long way to go before I reach Gumby-state but Pokey’s not a bad start. 

One down, 29 to go. 

Did you start your 30-Day challenge?  What did you do?

 

photo credit: http://photopin.com/

6 Comments

Posted in 30-day challenge, reflections, observations & musings

Tagged , , , , , , , ,

Should We Still Teach Our Boys To Be Gentlemen?

Posted on September 27, 2012 | 9 comments

As wonderful and as necessary as the feminist movement has been, I often wonder how men feel about the change to their roles.  I’m not talking about how they feel about feminism and women’s rights – I think most men are generally fine with that. (Obviously I am referring to westernized society. This discussion has not even begun in much of the third world. Don’t get me started on that!) – What I am talking about is how men have adjusted to the little things.

Do they struggle with how to treat a female colleague?

Do they constantly feel that they are walking on eggshells, wondering if a sexual harassment lawsuit is looming around the corner if they pulled a chair out for their female boss?

As a female, I am proud of the strides my sex has made in the equality of gender roles. I feel empowered that young women today have the option of post-secondary education; the choice of any career; the option to excel in that career while at the same time raising a family (or not) or the option to stay at home and raise their children (however economically, many families can’t afford the last option but that is another discussion).

Women are just as capable as men to hold corporate careers, own businesses and make a living in every field, however women are still fighting the battle for pay equity and equal representation from the lowest to the highest levels in roles traditionally thought of as male. There is still much work to do but in most sectors, the divide is gradually becoming narrower.

Did the rules need to change? Of course they did.

Feminism isn’t just for the boardroom though. Women expect to be treated with respect and equality in all aspects of their lives but do we want the same treatment from our life-mates as our cubicle-mates? If not, do men know that?

As we have marched ahead to our revised tune, the gents sometimes seem to struggle to keep in step, try though they might.

Take dating for instance; do men know how to act anymore? In a new relationship today, should a man pay the entire bill for a dinner out with his date? If he does pay, will she think he’s domineering and trying to take care of her because she is incapable of taking care of herself or will she think he is sweet and romantic? What about holding the door for her? Should he or shouldn’t he? Pulling out her chair? Standing when she enters the room? – does anyone do that anymore?

I feel sorry for men at times like these.  They must feel like they are walking a tightrope of etiquette.  Do the wrong thing and you are thought of as rude and insensitive – a Neanderthal of cultural behaviour.

But who determines what is right and wrong?

Some women would be offended if a man opened the car door for them and others would be offended if he did not.

What’s a boy to do?

Which brings up the question: Should we still teach our boys to be gentlemen?

I will generalize and say that we all teach our boys – and girls – basic manners: saying please and thank you; pardon me/excuse me; not interrupting etc, but what will the next generation of young women expect their young men to do beyond the basic niceties?

Will men stop walking on the outside of the sidewalk and offering their arm to a lady? Many already have.

Will holding a door go by the way of a kiss on the hand? 

Some might argue that many of these gestures are fine in personal relationships but should not be brought into the workplace.  Is that where the line should be drawn? Offering your arm to a female colleague in my mind would be an error for the man, but yet I would expect him to hold the door for her.

Learning to make the distinction between what is acceptable and what is not must have to be learned by trial and error; or trial by fire depending on the recipient. 

The other day, as I was approaching a store, I witnessed a young boy of about five years of age struggle to hold a heavy door open for a ‘mature’ lady who with a smile thanked the young lad for being “quite a gentleman”. The boy beamed with pride, and his father did too.

For all of you men (and women) who are taking the time to teach your boys the traditional approach to the decorum of gentlemanly behaviour, I applaud you. In my opinion, etiquette should never go out of style and every gesture toward that end should be received in the manner in which it is bestowed.

For all of the strides my sisters before me and my daughters after have made and will make, I thank them for their struggles. It is in part because of them that I am respected for my intelligence, appreciated for my contribution and seen as an equal in my role.

And for all of the men in my life who have treated me with respect, appreciation and equality, I thank you too for your part and appreciate your efforts.

And for the record, I think there is a line and the office is where it should be defined. For me, it looks like this:

  • At work: hold the door, and if you would like a coffee, make it yourself.
  • Personally: pull out my chair, offer your arm, walk on the outside of the sidewalk, help me on with my coat, pay the bill, and hold the door. Oh, and if you’re getting yourself a coffee, I’d like mine double-double, please.

…Because for all of our advancements, I for one still enjoy and appreciate being made to feel like a lady, when it’s appropriate. After all, isn’t having the best of both worlds part of what the battle has been about?

Good luck, men. Keep up the good work.

Do you have anything to add to this conversation? Share it below.

 

9 Comments

Posted in reflections, observations & musings

Tagged , , , , , , , , , , ,

How To See Yourself Through Someone Else’s Eyes

Posted on September 25, 2012 | Comments Off on How To See Yourself Through Someone Else’s Eyes

Why do we place such importance on how others perceive us? 

We all go through life thinking we know what other people think of us.  Our own self-perception has us making assumptions that ‘so-and-so must think that I’m blank’ when in fact so-and-so is actually thinking the opposite.  Or, they aren’t thinking about you at all.   As Eleanor Roosevelt said:

 “You wouldn’t worry so much about what others think of you
if you realized how seldom they do.” 

We all want to be liked, by someone.  But are you showing your true colours or are you pretending to be something you are not so a specific person will find you attractive and want to be with you?

What if they are doing the same thing to impress you?

How do you know who they really are? How do they know you?

Too much energy, in my opinion, is going into our perceived persona.  Social media sites encourage teens to ‘friend’ everyone they remotely know or who remotely knows someone they sort of know, or people they have never met, only to have a multitude of ‘friends’ and appear popular.

Is it that they want to feel popular themselves or do they want others, even the ones they have never met, to think they are popular?

Isn’t it better to have a few close friends who really know you, who get who you are, who know what you’re about, with whom you can share your deepest thoughts and aspirations and who like you for who you are – warts and all?  Your true honest-to-goodness BFF’s.

There is an exercise called the Appreciation Circle.  A group of friends/colleagues/people who know one another sit in a circle so each can see the other.  Starting with one person as the subject, each person in the circle says one thing that they really like or love about that person, then they go onto the next the person and so on.

Seeing ourselves through the love and appreciation of others is a mirror in which we should all gaze. 

Imagine if the Appreciation Circle was done in schools from Kindergarten through to high school graduation.
Do you think that would have made a difference in the way you see yourself?

Comments Off on How To See Yourself Through Someone Else’s Eyes

Posted in reflections, observations & musings

Tagged , , , , , , , ,

How To Combat The Negative Messages Your Teen Hears

Posted on September 20, 2012 | 4 comments

A friend of mine, one who also wrestles with her inner Pollyanna, is one of the best mothers that I know.  Not only is she an inspiration to her children for her strength, courage, caring, compassion and hearing (not just listening, but hearing), she is an inspiration to me.

Recently she shared something with me that I would like to share with you (with her permission of course).

She believes in the power of words and is determined to make the ones that she says to her children (who are now young adults) meaningful and positive.

The words she hopes will be the tapes that play in their heads.

On many mornings, upon entering their bathroom to begin their day, her children are greeted with a positive message written on the mirror with a dry-erase marker:

“You are the sunshine that brightens my day.” 

“I love your laugh.” 

“You make the world a better place.” 

Not only would these message make you feel good but written by the hand of a parent or loved one, the messages would uplift and resonate deep within your heart and soul because they also say:

“You are worthy.” 

“You are valued.” 

And there is no better message than that.

Share the ways you uplift your children.

photo credit: Carolin Grandin, copyright

4 Comments

Posted in reflections, observations & musings

Tagged , , , , , , , , , , ,

8 Reasons To Start Meditating Now

Posted on September 18, 2012 | Comments Off on 8 Reasons To Start Meditating Now

     At the age of sixteen, my interest in meditation began. I must have read about it somewhere or seen something on television.  So, like a curious teen, I tried it. I did not have formal instruction.  I felt self-conscious and was always thinking that I would ‘get caught’ and be embarrassed about doing it so I tried to do in secret. As you might guess, I was not successful and soon gave up but I never lost my curiosity about it.

Over the years, my interest has drawn me back time and again so in my quest to wrestle with negativity and pull Pollyanna to the surface, I decided to give it a dedicated go.

For 30 days, I attempted to meditate 20 minutes per day, twice a day.

     I set aside time in the morning then again before bed. I also kept a journal noting how much I had slept the night before, any significant activity in my life, and my key thoughts during the meditation process (written from memory once the time was up).

 This is what I learned:

8. It’s hard to keep a routine but not impossible. There were days when I did not make time to meditate twice a day (and I say ‘make time’ because isn’t that how all change comes about?), and days when I didn’t fit it in even once.

7. Twenty minutes is a loooong time. I decided that I would not set a timer as I had read in a few online “how to meditate” guides. I felt that I would be too focussed on the time ticking and chose instead to follow my natural rhythm. I rarely made it past eleven minutes and felt especially proud of myself the few times I hit the fifteen minute mark.

6. I slept better when I made time for meditation right before retiring for the night. The chance to let my thoughts flow and the slowed breathing helped relax me and allowed for a deeper sleep.

5. Where my mind was at. My “how to” readings suggested that you should focus on your breaths as a means of blocking out thoughts thereby allowing yourself to enter into an altered state of consciousness. If thoughts filter in, acknowledge them then focus again on your inhalations and exhalations. I must admit that the more I practiced, the easier this became but I don’t think that I ever entered the altered state; I could see the off-ramp but was unable to cross the bridge – there wasn’t a long enough break in the traffic. Perhaps if I had regularly reached the twenty minute mark, I would have been successful. What I did see on the journey though was where my thoughts were focussed. There seemed a recurring theme and I was thankful to have the time to address the issues, uninterrupted.

4. It forced alone time. Making time for meditation means that you are carving out alone time – time for just you – remember those days? You are taking the time to relax and giving yourself the time and permission to think about things that you otherwise “don’t have time to deal with”.  Not only will you be able to deal with them, you may actually come up with solutions for issues in other areas of your life. By clearing your mind, you are opening up space for other solutions to filter in.

3. Studies have shown that meditation can lower your blood pressure.  I felt this. Not just during the time I sat meditating, but throughout the day.  And if I felt stress building up, I could quickly return to a calmer state by ‘going within’ and breathing deep.

2. Meditation opened myself up for possibilities. You’ve acknowledged recurring thoughts. You’ve devised solutions for problems. You’ve lowered your blood pressure. You’ve had a better night’s sleep. Now you are available for the possibilities that await you and are in a calmer and more open state to receive them when they do.

The biggest benefit that I gained from this rudimentary attempt at enlightenment is: 

1. I gave myself permission to take the time to listen to me. It allowed my voice to be the voice in my head.

Perhaps one day, I will reach the twenty minute mark. But that is not my goal. I am more interested in actually crossing the bridge and seeing what’s on the other side – however long it takes. Then Pollyanna will have won the championship fight.

     In the meantime, she is still a contender.

Have you had experience with meditation? How did it work for you?

photo credit: Carolin Grandin

Comments Off on 8 Reasons To Start Meditating Now

Posted in reflections, observations & musings

Tagged , , , , , ,